My On & Off Relationship With Depression
“People constantly need to validate their insecurities, hence the term “depressed”. It’s all part of this new wave of “victim celebration” which is sadly, a gross counteraction to victim-blaming. Hence, If a doctor can’t show me a blood test tor a body scan that detects a problem, then it is not a diagnosis. Ergo depression is not real.”
September 2019, Tomide Freaking Adeyeye, being an absolute asshole on a cab ride.
To be honest, I always knew depression is real, but sometimes I enjoy sitting on both sides of the fence to prove that an issue is never really black or white.
I think it’s also partly because somewhere in my twisted mind I think I'm a lawyer, and I enjoy making a case for both perspectives on a matter.
However, for many years, I have been lowkey battling a ton of mental issues. Saying it’s lowkey may be a slight understatement because it’s really been apparent for anyone watching.
From the short-term withdrawals to the bipolar episodes which make it impossible to decide on anything significant. And then there’s the “You’re just a worthless piece of shit” phase. I have been through the whole cycle, sometimes even within a 24 hour period.
You see, we all are somewhat broken, lost, afraid, or in search of something we never had in our early life. We sometimes think this is fine, and that it’s all part of adulting. Err it’s not.
Lately, I have had trouble sleeping and concentrating, I have also been struggling with social interactions and I have seen myself become more and more withdrawn. Usually, I would just say I'm in a phase, and I'll get over it but I'm starting to realize that playing it down may not be the best way to get better. Which brings me to the whole point of this article.
You see the irony of struggling with some mental issues is you normalize them for so often, it becomes part of your identity, part of your core make up. So much so that you almost don’t want to get better.
Being a crazy withdrawn piece of shit has become so accustomed to me, that I think it’s my personality, my music is inspired by it and my “asshole” phases are my defense mechanism. But all of this makes me Me.
And I only care about its adverse effects when it affects my work. If it doesn’t, I’m good.
It’s a messed up circle that leaves me on the edge of being both suicidal and inspired. Taking it away is like uninstalling the favorite app on your phone, the app that makes your phone buggy, takes all the space on your phone, but the app that also makes you pick up your phone in the first place.
I often believe that time heals everything, but not this, or any illness for that matter. Time only makes it worse. The longer people continue to smile and act normal when they are dying inside, the more our society will produce sociopaths. And the more we continue to dismiss mental health issues as insignificant, the more we will be part of the problem.
But then I . . .
